I just broke a promise I made to myself.
I promised myself to never reveal more than what is supposed to be kept secret but I just did it again today, and then I felt like dying a hundred times because I think I revealed just a little too much. Or maybe it is because it is about the person whom we share our secrets with.
I sincerely hope you won't be trapped like me.
Because of the incident last night, it made us realise that we are... trapped.
Although knowing the answer, I asked you a really stupid question. But you gave me a little more than the answer I expected. I wanted to ask you more but I thought we should just leave it as it is. And sometimes I really don't understand us. Why???
Why are you willing to give so much for something that is not yours? Why am I acting the same way too? I really don't understand our friendship at all...
It's not the end of July but I thought I should just mention something I discovered recently. I read through my diaries, old blogs and my private blogs and realised that July and August are always the worst months of the year.
It's funny but break ups are often in these two months. Really weird.
I hope the three of you are coping well.
And I've always hated August. Looking forward to it...
I had a small chat with my colleague a.k.a my lunch buddy over lunch today about our jobs. The both of us were whining about how meaningless our jobs are. She has never liked the job since day one because she has a law degree but it is not good enough to take the bar here (The stupid thing about law in Singapore is the law itself) and she really is unable to comprehend the purpose of staying there. On the other hand, I like the job. I've always seen law as a way to give back to society but I've been rebutted countless of times by seniors, lawyers, colleagues and well, probably everyone, that law has never been a helping-the-society job.
I enjoy my work because it is law, but I had never intended to stay as a paralegal my whole life. I don't wish to sit there drafting and filing documents to court all the time. I don't wish to prepare thick bundles of documents or authorities my whole life (bundles have been the cause of my bad headache and OT this week). It is mundane and repetitive. But no matter how much I complain, that degree seems so far.
So what if we obtain the law degree? We might not even get to take the bar and practice here, or be good lawyers.
Maybe it's time for an ambition change...
Happy 3 months. The journey with you has been bittersweet. I love and hate you at the same time. And I can't believe I spent all my weekdays and energy on you )'=
But you are such a jerk at times.
P.S. I am talking about my job.
18 was horrible. 18 was the worst number I had ever met. The journey with 18 was crazy. I felt depressed throughout the whole journey with 18 but I wanted to prove to everyone that we can overcome all obstacles. I was very stubborn and foolish, thinking that everything was so simple. 18 and I now are not considered friends but we still do contact, probably just to see who survives better. I know it is wrong to hug myself with glee for surviving much better than 18, but I really can't help it. Well, I mean 18 totally deserves it.
The short journey with 7 was wonderful. 7 and I had never started a BGR but we had mutual feelings for each other. The journey was magical. 7 was the type of guy best friend I would want to have. He was the one who will always protect me. I still remember how he almost beat up a group of guys because they were "checking me out" (long ago, obviously). We went to church together although I know deep down 7 doesn't believe in religions. Our last conversation we had was at a cafe voicing out all our regrets and I guess that was how I lost 7 forever. It was when we realised we had given up the opportunity to be together although we could, for the not worthy enough people, and we somehow regretted making that decision.
12. The journey with 12 is... well, it simply can't be put to words. After 2 years, I realised 12 was the first, the first person whom I had truly loved. As many of our friends have said, the both of us are just incompatible, and I felt that way too. But the journey with 12 was the one which kept me the happiest. Sadly, it is still the one I am trying to move on from, probably because of our latest conversation. And I feel kind of depressed because it has been too long...
6 is wonderful. But I don't want to reveal anything about us yet because I know there is more to reveal on our big day. I love you.
