Sometimes I really wonder why it is not possible to have high IQ and EQ at the same time. Maybe it is possible but I have never seen one who possesses these two qualities at the same time. And I've always felt the same way about people with high IQ because I always feel like slapping them after communicating with them.

Facade

After all these years, I've been telling everyone the same story until recently I realised that I will have to tell a different story because he was never the first. The only way then to numb my feelings was him.

Today, I discovered the real 'first' and no wonder, it hurts so much...

Hey, I'm 20

I dislike celebrating my birthday. Don't get me wrong. I love birthdays but I dislike celebrating it because birthdays remind us that we are a year older when we are still going through the But-I-Feel-Like-I-Am-Still-Sixteen phase.

I really, truly, feel that I am still sixteen.

Today was simple. I had a wonderful breakfast with my family. I went for an authentic Indonesian meal with Kay Wee. Really thankful that Saveur is fully booked, otherwise I wouldn't have discovered the Indonesian restaurant. We even ate more weird Taiwan snacks. I had a wonderful day shopping. Today, I finally realised that I might actually enjoy shopping like a girl if I need to get things that I need and not want. I had a wonderful dinner prepared by my mum and my brother. In short, I enjoyed my simple birthday.

A reason why I love birthdays is because I get to catch up with my hi-bye friends. It seems like I'll only get to talk to my hi-bye friends during mine or their birthdays.

But still, a big thank you to everyone who wished me, especially to those who do not require Facebook to remind them of my big day. Thank you to everyone who offered to treat me lunch/dinner for my birthday. Thank you to everyone who was much more excited about my birthday than me.

I guess... it was lovely. (':

I woke up to my senses when I found myself lying in KK Hospital in 2009. It was depressing. I was angry at myself for ruining myself that way. I was embarrassed because both of you had to go through the ordeal with me. I was terrified because the future will never be what I had always expect. I was feeling very lost and did not know what to do, but you had always stood by me.

I was very selfish. I did not think about your feelings. It was always about me. It was always about me feeling hurt. It was always about me feeling depressed. It was always about me being worried for myself. But actually, you suffered more than me. You were angry at yourself because of the path I chose that year. It was not your fault but you kept blaming yourself. You were sad, much more depressed than me, to see me suffer all the pain.

Today, I am feeling the same way as you felt in 2009. I feel so helpless watching you lying in the ICU. You looked so weak. I don't know what else I can do besides praying to God.

It's Mother's Day tomorrow. Please be well.

I was so excited and happy last week because of your return but now how I wish you would go on hiatus again. I want to bury myself somewhere lest I bring myself more embarrassment.

About two weeks ago, I came across this book titled 'Quiet' by Susan Cain in the bookshop and it is currently boring me to tears. Hopefully I will learn how to appreciate the introvert side of me after reading it.

I don't want to go to the department lunch this Tuesday. I don't want to attend the graduation ceremony at all. I don't want to mingle.

HELLO MAY

My favourite month, as always.